Computersight -

Eric Cartman

Eric Cartman is not only a loud mouth, hippy hating, Nazi-esque Nine year old. But he is also rather porky. Thus leaving me to believe that if he was to have any printer it would most probably be the rather large in size HP Deskjet 9800.

Any pictures taken of himself need a printer with a half decent A3 printing capability and that is what this printer has; the tonne upon tonne of “cheesy poofs” and pies that this colossal son of a crack whore can consume merits a printer of equal magnitude. However from an external point of view one does have to say that it can be a bit of a space consumer. Place it on a desk at work and you have very little room for a monitor, a keyboard or even a small picture of your cat (in Cartman’s case, his pet pig Fluffy). So again from an external point of view one would surmise that this product is meant for a networked office, with everyone using the device to print things like leaflets, posters and general office documents. With its facility for a duplicator it further seems an ideal candidate for the aforementioned tasks. But Eric has another justification for owning this printer.

This justification is that although the 9800 has a rather simple display of buttons, they are overshadowed by the space-ship like tray system. Similar to the launch pad used by Thunderbird 2, the paper tray borders on the excessive, which suits Cartman just fine. This “feature” makes him able to show off to his friends Stan, Kyle and Kenny (when he is not dead) that his printer can do lots of things, when in reality all it can really do is print. In fact, his companions could easily point out that although it does print A3 documents expertly; any other documents that comprise of more than ten pages get spluttered about the place like phlegm from the mouth of a flu ridden pirate. With no little bit of plastic or clever device to keep the paper organised, an already cluttered desk can look like the aftermath of a curry eating contest with only dinosaurs participating.

Price is something that normally comes into play when thinking about any product, whether a printer or just a piece of Edam. So once again this printer fits into the Cartman bracket of excessiveness. Retailing from around £215 this printer spits in the face of the philosophy of “less is more”.

Even the shape of the printer sells itself to Cartman; it is sleek, fat and has a front that looks like a duck dressed as Robo-Cop. Why would this be appealing? Because a duck dressed as Robo-Cop looks and sounds like an experiment gone incredibly wrong and other people failing makes Eric Cartman a very happy boy!

Stan Broflovski

The resident Jew of the town of South Park! With a successful lawyer for a father and an activist bitch for a mother, a printer is needed that can perform more than one task.

There are many all in one printers that family, or indeed a family/business, or indeed a family/business/fat bitch could choose from. The one next to me (which is some discontinued model) can scan, print and copy. But what good is this if you want to send an angry fax to someone you want to sue? Indeed Kyle had to step in when his Dad made the trip down to PC World, but what he chose was an abysmal piece of dog turd, known as part of the HP Officejet All in one series; the 4315. It can scan (after you have spent the entirety of the Die Hard quadrilogy installing it); it can print (badly), copy (to a moderately ok standard) and send faxes about as well as a large rock. The cartridges supplied are clearly used to print off the whole of the bible so a replacement is needed almost instantly; which came as an annoyance to Sheila Broflovski as she immediately wanted to print off some “Blame-Canada” posters. So one would assume that it is not the best choice from the little boy with the green hat? Well maybe it is…

You see for Kyle all he wants is to print off the occasional essay, story or poster. The most strain he will ever put on this to print things, is when he has to produce some sort of leaflet, letter or picture to get back at the anti-Semitic Cartman. And although it does have the faxing consistency of an English summer, it does suffice. The scanning is not needed and there is no problem with the copying.

But there is still one other annoyance with this printer, that makes Kyle regret that he ever got his father to purchase it. The volume of the printer is so loud, that if he wants to have an early night after a hard day of sledging, he can’t. In fact the volume is so loud that Mr Hankey the Christmas poo will not come anymore. There is one positive though, as this stupendously loud printer, fax-machine, scanner and copier does also have a fifth function, which is that of a burglar alarm! Something useful in a town which has experienced mutated killer turkeys, conjunctivitis infected zombies and a threat of terrorism coming from the Queen!

Whether the printer is right or wrong for the family, there is one certainty, the HP 4315, for Sheila at least is the wrong choice, but then again she is – in the words of Eric Cartman – “A big fat bitch”!

Kenny McCormick

Being so ridiculously poor, one would expect Kenny’s family to not have a computer and therefore have no need for a printer. However, the kind people of South Park – excluding Cartman and the son of the devil “Damien” – clubbed together in order to purchase the family a PC. With the surplus money raised they purchased some other essentials; a copy of Football Manager 2008, a decent set of speakers and an HP Laser Jet 1020.

The reasoning for the last purchase was that the product uses heat to print so the family now have a) something to cook with b) a sauce of warmth and c) something to…print with.

Unlike Eric Cartman’s printer, this one is designed to save space, which in a house with as many people in as this one is a good thing. Indeed the McCormick house hold is a place where there is very little room, but also where very little printing needs to be done. Which is a good thing as the printer in question tends to warp every single piece of paper it touches, and when given the challenge of printing a number of pages, say 2, they become almost cylindrical. Fine if you want to make a homemade baseball bat to beat the cat to death, but if you want to print off your school work (for example a Mr Garrison set essay on Jay Leno, comprising of three pages of writing and a picture) then you are going to be disappointed.

Although he has this printer, it does not mean it is the best one for him. As I have stated before, the HP Laser Jet 1020 prints through heat and as a result even lets of a small smoke. With Kenny’s habit of dying, a printer that can burn things is not the best option. And if the writers of South Park are ever to read this, I sense a new way of killing Kenny; “death through printer heat!”

Surely this printer is ideal for a small business printing out receipts or letters and not a family of poor people living off food stamps? The answer to that is yes on a logical front, i.e. that they do not even need to print. But no on a more adverse front; they can use the smoke to heat waffles, pop tarts and even to make toast. Yes I think we have the first 2 in 1 printer-toaster.

Essentially an entry level laser jet printer, the 1020 gives entry level prints. But then again, the phenomenal speed at which it prints does make up for this somewhat; but if you only use it to make toast then who really cares?

South Park Elementary

Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are not the only children in South Park who need a printer. Each day the three boys, and indeed their friend Stan (who did have a printer but it was destroyed when his sister rammed his head through it), get on the bus and go to school. The mayor decided that the schools appalling grades were down to two things a) that the teacher, Herbert Garrison is a psycho, thus motivating her to replace him with Miss Chokesondick (however she then died and was replaced by Janet Garrison, formerly Herbert Garrison (confused?)) and b) that the school was out of date and needed some new equipment.

So along with the obvious purchases of slow computers, fuzzy screens and non responsive mice; she also ordered the purchase of a Lexmark X9350 wireless printer, scanner, copier and fax. Ideal for a class of delinquents to print their work, scan their faces and get one another in trouble by printing rude pictures off each others accounts.

Despite the cartridges being as economical as a Cadillac, the sheer abundance of features (including a rather superfluous colour preview screen) comes some way to justifying the quite hefty price tag. The same price tag that Token’s family thought was cheap and somewhat of a bargain. However he is rich and the kind people of South Park do not care for rich people.

But there is one major thing I am overlooking with this printer; the fact that if Cartman’s printer looks like Robo-Duck, then this thing looks like Optimus Prime. The a-symmetrical nature, coupled with its two cannon like paper trays make this printer look like a Transformer ready to wreak havoc on the town of South Park